Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out Read online

  To tell or not to tell. As a child whose authority figure has strayed from the straight path or even the grown-up whose date has just taken advantage of her, this is a question that runs through every survivor’s mind. If I say it and I am believed, how will I ever be able to deal with all the attention it brings? Will people believe me? Even I did not believe he was capable of such an act, how can someone else believe it? In some cases, speaking out about the incident will seem to take much more energy than the ordeal itself and facing questions such as, “Wasn’t there something you could have done to stop it?”, will be so stinging, you will want to dig a hole and bury yourself right there. I cannot speak for everyone but I can tell you that speaking up is always the correct step to take because it is a way of ensuring that you are not allowing him to do this to anyone else. But, coming from someone who has dealt with abuse, I know that this is not as black and white as we would like it to be. If you do not speak about it at the point of the incident, bear in mind, you must be prepared to deal with it at a later point in your life. Yes, it will rear its ugly head again in the future. This is not a fender bender that can be fixed as easily as you’d like to think.

  It really is about power. Most counsellors will tell you that sexual abuse is about power and in those terrifying moments of the act, it is the perpetrator’s way of saying, “I own you.” This is true but I think there is more to it, Dad. If you will notice, up to this point I have been referring to victims of sexual abuse as survivors instead of victims, because it is what you have to do. You have to survive sexual abuse instead of falling victim to it. The moment you get it into your head that you are a victim, you will also feel that the world owes you something and that you are weaker because someone has taken something from you.

  True, what has been taken is irreplaceable and a million dollars or more can never reinstate it but repeatedly telling yourself you are weaker because of what has happened, means someone else has power over you and this is what sexual abuse can spiral towards. Every minute, hour and day you spend asking why, contemplating retribution, wishing him a slow death is time, energy and thought given to someone else other than yourself. It is a sense of power that he can hold over you, while watching you squirm. Move on. While it will be easier said than done, it has to be done. Pay attention to yourself. You need to come out of this and you do not need any more bits and thoughts of him to do it. Very few perpetrators have it in them to seek forgiveness so do not hold your breath. If it comes, take it and move on. If it doesn’t, and this is the most likely scenario, move on anyway. Survival is about what you need, not what the rest of the world wants.

  I do not know what is right anymore. Within any family or community, sexual abuse is not something we wish for. But sometimes, it will come, literally taking a slow creep around our current perceptions and hopes for the future. Sometimes, when someone approaches you, saying another has taken advantage of them, the first thing that runs through your head is, “can this be true?”. Some of us get all geared up to confront the issue, others want nothing more than to sweep it under the carpet because “what would people think, if they knew?” and others would even prefer to say, “nothing happened, you are just making it up.”

  Yes, there are a lot of ways we can deal with sexual abuse. There are no right ways and there are no wrong ones. It is usually a solution that comes from so much mixed emotion that no one knows how to take the next step. While counseling, therapy or even a change of environment can take place, parents or loved ones must remember, this is an issue that will never go away. When she falls in love, when she finds the person she will want to spend the rest of her life with, when she has her own children or even as she tries to live on her own, it will be there. Blaming yourself, wishing you could have done more to protect her is as good as feeling like a victim too. Sexual abuse affects each of us in a different way, acknowledging the abuse and support for her are essential in ensuring your relationship also survives this incident.

  Will it really get better? Yes, it will. It will not be an easy route that much I can tell you. You will experience numerous trust issues and you will have insecurities high enough to compete with any of the tallest buildings in the world, but one issue at a time it does get better. If you have to face people who keep pushing you face down into the mud and keep rubbing it in as they tell you that the sexual abuse that occurred was your fault, do yourself a very big favour, turn a deaf ear and walk away. As much as the world needs different kinds of people to go around, you do not need those who kick you when you are already down.

  One thing I can tell you for certain, you will also have the opportunity to meet or know people willing to listen to your saddest mutterings. Helpful people who will stand guard to make sure you do not keep feeling sorry for yourself and most of all, people who don’t look at you as damaged goods. They will see you as unique, extraordinary and even remarkable but these are the people you must have in your life and when you find even one person like this, treasure them. If someone is willing to share your journey, knowing full well that it will be difficult, this in itself is the best gift he will ever give you. I love you, Dad and thank you for listening, today and always. Big, big hugs.

  CALM AMIDST THE STORM

  Dear Dad. If you ever had the opportunity to handpick my friends, I know without a glimmer of doubt that this is one of the persons you would have had me cross paths with for sure. The first short impression you receive, makes him come across as rash and even unreliable. But a closer, second look will let you see sides of him that will teach you there is definitely some good in this very crazy world. He will stay with you when the rest of the world walks out. If you think knights in shining armour no longer exist, think again. This is the person who will do the unthinkable. He will stand up for you and he will stand with you. It does not matter what the rest of the world says, he knows what he knows and he will stand by it. He will not rub it in and he will not persistently tell you that he is by your side because he “had” to, instead, he will remind you over and over again that you are worth staying for even if you do not feel like it at the time.

  There will be a time when he holds you tight and tells you “everything will be all right” and you will know those are the best words you will ever hear, even as you go through the excruciating experience of your first lumbar puncture. This is the person who will teach you about trust. Even as everyone around scrambles for a rumour about you, knowing your secrets are worth more betrayed than staying in confidence, he will stand firm in telling everyone the most important thing they claim they need to know, nothing. Of course, there are the days when you will wonder how someone you like him can put up with so much from you. There will be days when you cannot imagine the sequence of events that have led you to each other. Irrelevant of which day it is, there is one emotion that will cross your mind every time you think of him, gratitude. He will be one of the very few people who does the most important thing all of us desire of others, he accepts you.

  Yes, there will be some big issues he will help you with but there will also be those little day to day lessons that he will teach you. He will be your first “on the road” instructor when you have received your driver’s license and when the cars come up behind you blaring their horns for you to get a move on, he will tell you to take your time and get your gears right. An insignificant lesson to many but true in life, why let people push you around, especially when you are not ready? If you cannot meet your own expectations of yourself, how can you meet someone else’s? There will be the night when you will literally sleep under the stars or another evening when he will drive you to the opposite side of town for a slice of cake just because you it’s what you want. He will take charge when everything appears to be falling to pieces and even when it does fall apart, he will be one of the very few who points out which are the pieces to pick up and encourage you to start again.

  Brain condition or not, he takes you as you are with whatever complications that come attached be it that h
ideous physical appearance that comes from being in the hospital one too many times to your inferior crowning glory. All of this does not make you any less of a friend to him. He does not harp asking you when your hair will grow back. It does not make a difference as far as who you are or capable of becoming. As long as you are well enough to become what you set your mind to, everything else is secondary. The other lesson, he will teach you, getting your priorities in order. So often, we get our knickers in a twist because of what people will think or say without realizing that we are giving them more leverage than they deserve. We make other people a priority in our lives without realizing that we need to set aside some priorities for ourselves too. Friendship that comes with such a solid structure of support, trust and encouragement is a rarity you will appreciate for a lifetime. All of this solidifies the simple but meaningful ways he reaches out to you.

  There won’t be fancy birthday presents because you will be lucky if he even remembers your birthday and do not count on those long replies to your letters or emails when he is away. You will be lucky if you get anything more than ten words combined. But, you will have the assurance of having someone to talk to no matter how late at night, when pain has overtaken all your senses and ability of thinking straight. When you lack the confidence to be yourself, he will provide it. Every time he reaches out, he does not ask for anything in return nor does he expect it. You will want to give him so much more than you are able to and you wish that life will be good to him. Wherever he is, it is never too far for him to let you know you are still in his thoughts. Yes, this is a friendship that will teach you more by stormy weather and the one constant you will receive from him is that wherever and however big the storm is, you will find calm in him.

  THE UNTALENTED HOMEMAKER

  I think it is a popular notion that if you want to have a nice house, it must be a big house with an even bigger wallet. I really do not think so Dad, and I am pretty sure you feel the same way too. Smaller sized houses can also make comfortable homes when a little effort is put into them.

  There are homemakers who insist on so much clutter, if given the chance to quiz them on how many items they have in each section of their home, you will be lucky if they even remember five items. Some homemakers also have an ongoing battle with a situation they consider very complicated and this is the process of throwing away things they do not need or can no longer use. There will always be an excuse as to how the item can “be fixed here or repaired there” and so it will sit for another five years until the next cleaning session.

  To call a spade a spade, I am no Martha Stewart and I know it. But I do make an effort to ensure my clothes remain fresh and not smelly, moldy or damp from not being dried properly. And I have to share this little experience with you, Dad. Imagine what you would feel like when you have had a long day at work and you stop by a friend’s place to lend her the book you have promised her. She then serves you tea in an extremely filthy cup.

  It is the first time you are at her place and when she offers you a hot drink, you know that a hot cup of tea will do wonders for your current state. She brings you the mug and as you take your first sip; you try hard not to flinch yet the only question running through your head is if this mug has ever been washed? Its rim has a faded brown circle and the handle is lined with grime. You try to be polite and to finish your drink but all you keep seeing when you lift the mug to your lips are those ugly shades of brown.

  What I am about to say and I know this will leave me sounding critical, Dad and I’m sorry for it, you are completely aware of the fact that she stays home while her husband works. Which means she has ample time to get housework done, I think. How else can one react other than to really hope you are not invited back for another drink or worse, a meal? A lot of people are also under the impression that since they have worked hard to buy a house, the house will then eventually find a way of taking care of itself. Forget cleaning between the tiles, kitchen cabinets only need to be cleaned once every ten years, storage rooms or cabinets are meant for everything you have no place for at the moment and thus, do not need to be cleaned. I understand that maintaining a house can be a tricky issue, between utility bills and other maintenance work but when you overlook simple things like cleanliness, hygiene and a sense of order, you are bringing more chaos upon yourself.

  Imagine things being in such disarray that you are never able to find things when you need them. This in turn leads to you searching for things you need when rushing out for a meeting which in turn results in you arriving late, irritated and crabby at everyone else.

  As life goes on, you will find that you can travel to the ends of the earth but still the most important place in a house is always the kitchen. I consider it the soul of any home. You provide nourishment for the body and the mind. Without nourishment for either, none of us can function properly. Nourishment for the body is also the time when the family gets together which in turn provides food for the soul. Breakfast to start the day and dinner which is the opportunity to share your entire day with each family member giving and showing support for each other. And yet, some people treat this part of the home so carelessly. It becomes messy, the thought of going in becomes likened to a chore to deal with for someone else.

  Every inch of it is covered in grime and the kitchen sink when it is empty (which is rare) looks more like a rubbish bin than a spot for you to keep your utensils clean. If the sponge used for dishwashing reeks and is sticky with grunge, what is the point of washing your dishes? When this part of the home is that unclean what do you think that says about its homeowners? Some people are vocal when it comes to recycling and I completely agree. But correct me if I am wrong, I do not think recycling means making your own kitchen look like the community dump site. Sigh.

  Earlier, I pointed out personal hygiene, Dad because some people seem to think that they still need to stand in the rain to have a wash. Like the girl who so proudly announces her new found novelty, “Guess what, guess what, I had a bath today and a proper one too.” Seriously? Dad, I think my brains have really stepped out and gone for a long, long walk.

  I LOVE YOU BECAUSE ...

  August 15, 2010

  Dear Dad. This is really one of the times when I wish you can come to be with me. The past few weeks have been really rough on me and for a minute there, I felt as though a load of bricks had fallen and cracked me open even further. It is bad enough that I am still reeling from physical pain brought on by the recent VP shunt surgery and numerous other issues, I also had the wonderful privilege of someone ‘close’ to me saying, “Because brain surgery is something you wanted, you have to bear the pain without complaining.” For a short while, I thought that yes, something is definitely wrong with me. That maybe, I should not have agreed to the surgery.

  Then I thought, what other option did I have? Lumbar punctures for the rest of my life? Hospital visits at least once a month or unexpectedly rushing to the nearest hospital because my CSF fluid had built up far too much? Nobody wakes up one morning and says, “today I have asked for a plastic piece attached with a tube to be put into my brain and I am going to enjoy every bit of it”. If at any point, I really am crazy and this is how other people react to their VP shunts, do let me know, Dad and I will stop jabbering away.

  Maybe the person really hates me or maybe I am just that easy to hurt, I do not know. What I do know, I am not everything I am called. I am what I answer to. And in the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “Nobody can hurt you without your permission”. It is nothing new to you Dad that after you left, I grew up in an environment where Sunday church meant an opportunity to have more to talk about after the service than about the service itself.

  In the name of concern, it was more important to spend whatever time possible assuming what our neighbours were up to than to actually set about doing something fruitful ourselves. It was a time when we would open our doors to the whole world and forget what we ourselves needed as a family or as an individual. Most of all, it was the time wh
en we would criticize, slander and rebuke the divorcee, conveniently forgetting that we condoned a far worse situation within the four walls of our home. After all, a grown-up touching a child is happens everyday, everywhere. Nothing is wrong with it.

  As I look back and think of all the people I have crossed paths with, I have reached a point in my life where I am thankful for the ones who have hurt me, even if they have hurt me in a big way. Without them, I will not be able to appreciate the ‘support beams’ that now bear my world with strength. Yes, I may not have the riches of Hollywood and with my current physical state of baldness I may look like something the cat has been dragging around for two weeks but I have support, encouragement and love. I have everything I need.

  Today’s letter is about me reiterating the way I feel about the few people, you included, Dad who have shown me in every possible way that there is such a thing as unconditional love and that if you’re willing, you can do anything you set your mind to. It is for the person who reads each one of my poems and makes it a point to write me a little note to say that I have made a good difference in her world.