Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out Page 5
Then there are the parents who love to travel and their retirement could not have come at a better time. Their very beautiful home is left in the hands of their shy, demure daughter who holds an administrative job. She works from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on weekdays and will be home before 8:00p.m. If she is late, they will be able to reach her on her mobile. She is not like other people’s children who enjoy going out or mixing with unruly strangers. When her fiancé has finished his Masters, they will marry and it will be a merger of two of the finest families. Perfect. Except without the knowledge of her parents, she uses their time away to bring home sailor after sailor, night after night and sometimes two at a time. There are nights when even her friends are worried about how freely she invites them into her home with no fear of any untoward incident. She boasts about enjoying sex in her parents’ bed and how she loves waking up to having more sex followed by a cigarette. Need I really say anymore, Dad?
You already know, Dad, as children we all have our own sneaky little moments as much as I know parents have their moments as well. But I think the essential difference lies in how a parent presents us to the rest of the world. Do you let our good qualities shine while accepting our bad habits? I know you will never put me down in public but I know there is no way, you will praise me as an upcoming saint. You will openly tell me or someone else when asked, that I am fully capable, when I want to, of being very annoying.
I do not know what it is about these parents or children that such situations develop. Are they that ignorant of their children’s activities? Are they unable to imagine the inevitable realities that will one day face them the moment their shy daughter comes home pregnant by a man she does not know? What happens when they must face the consequences of placing tradition and religion above all else? I am so glad I have you, Dad.
PEAS & CARROTS
April 17, 2010
Dear Dad. I have been thinking a lot about you and Mum which is probably what got my wheels turning to write and tell you this or maybe I just realized it was time for me to talk about it as I get even closer to ‘the day’. I’ve already told you a little bit about Peas and how this refers to my other half, well Bruce, who at most times gets very little credit for the many things he does. I really do hope you will be able to meet him, one day. I am sure you will like him very much. While in some ways we may not know each other enough, there are other ways and more when we feel we have already known each other a lifetime. No, this is not a recipe for the perfect or long-lasting relationship, you are way better at this, Dad than I will ever be. We have got a long way to go towards making it ‘long-lasting’ let alone perfect. I only want to tell you about the very small discoveries we have made about each other that will hopefully string us together like strands of beads and bond us for a journey which will enrich us. Maybe it will have me explaining patience to our thirteen year old daughter or have him explaining his raunchy tattoo (stretched, wrinkled and out of shape by then) to our five year old grandson, I really do not know. What I do know is that if I ever set out on a journey of a lifetime, he will be the one I would want to do it with, even if it will require airplane loads of hard work and patience to get there.
Past, present and future. We have both had pasts with occurrences that have made us stronger but in a small way made us wonder if we could have done without them. Some of his experiences, I understand enough to share how he feels and others, I can only be there for him when he wants to talk. And some we can both laugh about, leaving us much the wiser when we have our own children. Dad, you already know the patches of black areas in my past. Maybe, there is some assurance in knowing that these situations make him angry as much as they can make me bitter. They make him curse and they make me cry. On some days, I want to talk about nothing else and then on others it becomes too much to even contemplate. This is his secret because he knows which day is which even before I realize it. So here is his biggest gift to me, he accepts me for who I am without judging, without telling me the past is my fault. I think that is very, very important. Don’t you, Dad? He leaves the past where it is supposed to be, in the past. Yes, we both know that there are elements of my past we both will never reconcile with and even come close to accepting, but it is a big step to have someone who chooses to understand and stands by you anyway. For this, I am grateful.
He lets me talk about the painful bits but constantly reminds me that this is the present and we have a different future that carries no elements from the past. At the very least, you know this is someone who is not only concerned about the best parts of me and he will stay for the ugly bits too. He makes it a point to make me laugh even when he knows something hurts so bad and tells me to chin up when I’m facing something as scary as a surgeon’s knife. He goes out of his way to make sure I know that he will be waiting for me after my surgery. These are but a few of the things he says and does to make today a better tomorrow.
That is a “no”. Very early on, I learnt that this is a person who will not always let me have my way. Hmmmm, maybe you have already secretly met him and given him lessons? It makes me feel especially secure to know that this is a person who will do his best for me. Even when I might slip in some way, I can count on him and recognize his effort as the right thing to do. You know he is doing it for who you are and not because he feels sorry for you or wants to find some way of making it serve his benefit. His “no” will be an understanding one which will usually take into consideration how wacky or quirky you are capable of being.
There isn’t any bickering nor is there any drama, it usually comes from mutual understanding about how far you can actually stomp on each other’s boundaries and when we are not sure, we ask. On more than one occasion I have been busted at losing track of time and still typing away at some God forsaken hour when I had promised him that I will try to get some sleep for the day. On another occasion, when I felt I could grab brain surgery by the horns, he has gently pointed out to me, “Sweetheart, it is a bit naive to think that you can bounce back just like that two weeks after brain surgery when people with broken legs take longer to heal, isn’t it?” So yes, I won’t be jumping for joy every time I hear a “no” from him but I also realize that he understands me enough to have a grasp of my limitations and when to reel me in from fantasy land.
Something for you, something for me and something for us. Being the word junkie that I am, he once told me to listen to the eons old Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden, saying it had something for me, him and us. I thought it was an apt description for any relationship in more ways than one. Any relationship of any kind has to be beyond suffocation. We cannot spend every single moment of the day with each other or enjoy every single thing the other person does. One, there is no fascination and two, it’s the fastest way of hinting, where is the door? Some people call knowing everything, love. Tell me when you have achieved this with one person and the relationship has survived, I will rejoice with you. We all need moments in our days when we have separate jobs, different talents or when we lock the bedroom door after a shower to have a good stretch or the simple pleasure of sitting down with a good book without a string of questions. There is only so much you can control in your own life, let alone someone else’s. Let it go. We are different for a reason. I think it is important to remember that we are individuals who have fallen in love, whose peculiar differences will make for a more interesting journey. After all, you can either be a pea or a carrot. You just cannot be both. Or in the spirit of one of the most memorable lines ever, “You complete me,” simply be the other half.
We choose to do this. The funny thing about arguments is that you will rarely remember why after a few days, weeks or months. I remember an argument we were having recently when I insisted on behaving like a five year old and he tried every way he could to gloss over something silly he had said because he wasn’t paying attention to our conversation in the first place. As the argument carried on, more than why we argued and the need for me to push him away, I remembered him saying
, “I choose to do this” and it got me thinking. There is no such thing as ‘we HAVE to love’. We love because we want to. Family, friends, lovers, best friends, we love every single one of them because they have touched something within us that lets us love them. Sometimes we may get hurt and sometimes we end up on a lifelong journey, either way, we choose to love. Just like the two of us, we choose to accept people for who they are without demands of change or ransoms of perfection. This is who I am, and it is done.
Truth and trust. Like love, truth and trust are another bundle of choices we make. When doing something, we can choose to be completely honest with the person we love or we can just let it slide and let it grow into something else. But this is a two way street. Can I trust you enough to tell you things without becoming your morning coffee chit chat? Can I tell you the truth knowing that even if you are angry, you will be angry for me and not for yourself? Do I have to run because I cannot face the truth with you or do you simply say, “tell me, I will listen and this will really be between us”.
Too often, I have heard people move from one gossip to another, authenticity always assured mind you, without realizing that the only bit of truth involved is probably the person’s name. Well, here is someone who won’t be a part of it. He will tell you the truth and expect the same from you. There are, however, no compromises on this. He will willingly stand up to the person who tries to break this bond of trust. On the other hand, you will have to be strong enough to respect him without blabbering details about the two of you to a list of girlfriends in your phonebook. He will expect you to respect his privacy as much as he respects yours and have no doubt that you can trust him enough to tell you things when he is ready. Even if in telling the truth you are admitting to a mistake, you will find forgiveness and an opportunity to learn but always remember, this is a two way street.
And there you have it, Dad. Obviously we have lots more to learn, loads more to laugh about and tons more for our journey. And no, I cannot make any guarantee that this will be a journey with blue skies, sunshine and flower strewn pathways. I’m certain we will have our autumn days and winter moments. There will be minor irritations on days when I write cake and he reads biscuits or when he goes out to do something he will call fun and I will scream recklessness. Yes, there will be many days and ways, boys will be boys. But there will also be those numerous, uncountable moments, when he will be a man, hold me close, give me kisses of hope and show me why him, me and ‘us’ are all worth fighting for.
DISAPPEARING FRIENDS
There are friends and then there are F-R-I-E-N-D-S who in reality turn out to be just people you know. For whatever reason fate has allowed both of you to meet, it will one day become apparent that you will have to choose between staying friends or going your separate ways once and for all. This happens after he disappears on you and I mean constantly disappears on you. This is the person who seems to take the phrase, “feel free to come and go” a bit too literally. Of course at some point he will say, it is college life or work that is keeping him so busy, he just cannot find the time to keep in touch with you. You will nod and smile, wanting to be polite and at the very same time be thinking “yeah right” but you will let it go. Then, it starts becoming a pattern. And as the pattern grows so does impending disaster that accompanies this person every time they stomp in and out of your life.
There will be times when he pops back into your life regardless of your plans. He does not ask and because you have not seen him in such a long time, you will invite him to join in. While you do not expect him to be grateful or keep thanking you for the invitation, the night will probably end with him getting so drunk, he will pass out by the roadside. Don’t look so shocked, Dad. This passing out bit happens way after he has successfully crawled out from your parked car. The episode continues a little more as he wrenches his guts, more like pukes at your doorstep as another friend, laughing, carries him to your guest bedroom. You watch this scene unfold, frame after frame, wishing every single time that the ground will swallow you whole or at least some passing angel will stop and bestow you with the privilege of the ostrich, to stick your head into the ground.
Will he apologize? Of course he will. No person can embarrass himself that much and not say anything about it. But he will do it again, have no fear. The next time he pops back into your life will be at Christmas and as all of you sit in a very cramped car, the very same thing will happen. He will puke, this time on you. Christmas attire or not, you, him, the car and everyone else in it will reek of some very unpleasant smells.
Of course you also have the friend who only calls when she is in desperate need for a change. A new job, she says. A new place to stay. A new relationship. You try to help out as much as you can, only to find out that she does not even take the initiative to turn up for an interview she set up with a company you recommended. Once this incident occurs, she disappears for a good three months before calling and telling you how her life is making her sick and you go through the same motions.
Same lines, same scenarios, a different location with different people. Only this time, you make no promises to help and make very little effort to be cordial when she does pop into your place for a visit. Even if you allow yourself to get tired of the same “pop in, pop out” routine, it makes you wonder how they do not tire of it. Each time any one of these friends calls to “reconnect”, your heart goes out to them and even when every fibre in your being tells you that you are being stupid, you gently whisper to yourself that “this time will be different”.
There will be a time when you will ask yourself to stop, that this on again, off again, on again friendship is driving you mad. You will tell yourself that you are really stupid to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. Unfortunately, you are right. Just because you are not perfect, imperfection should never be an excuse to turn yourself into anyone’s disposable dishtowel.
Take it however you wish but imperfection is simply not a good enough excuse to have someone keep hurting you just because they feel like it. Disappearing friends are a breed of people who will always have someone to disappear on. It is what they do. They pop in and out seeking “a quick fix” that will make them feel better and then it is on to the next person. They are highly uncertain about what they want to do with their life and they think that by leeching off someone else’s certainties, they will have a stronger and clearer future. They are under the mistaken impression that people do not have feelings and that their friendship is vital to those who are able to enjoy it, even for a short time. They have the common characteristic that some of us have, we cannot receive what we dish out. Going quiet on them means you are rude and insolent. In a nutshell, I would think, unless you have the strength of two people in you, you might want to reconsider hosting a disappearing friend the next time they pop in.
THE THRIFTY ACCOUNTANT
We all view accountants as serious people who are careful with money, hence you are able to trust them with yours. You have the ones who devote years of their lives and finances to learning this trade in theory. Then, there are those who sharpen their money calculating and managing skills through experience and by observing others. Yes, there are many ways an accountant can sharpen his trade. But here is the twist. Have you ever met a thrifty accountant, Dad? The kind who is so frugal about one aspect and completely lavish with another? I would think that because an accountant’s job involves so much detail, so much information known only to the employer, being thrifty with information does not really fit into the scene of an accountant’s lifestyle. I could be wrong, of course. Take for instance, the accountant who is not necessarily thrifty about company information. Instead, she offers herself.
She is willing to put the company, her marriage and future job prospects at stake because she enjoys her long time affair with a much younger office runner. Oh yes, I kid you not, Dad. His job description covers picking up and dropping off documents from various other branches of the company, while also functioning as chauffeur for
the boss and his wife. You will see them sneaking kisses as he drops off vital documents which “must be hand delivered to her and only her” and you will have them disappear into the female toilet together. Benefit of the doubt, maybe she is having him fix a flush. Every opportunity she gets, she will want to work late on days he too conveniently has late evening pick-ups or drop-offs. So, how does such a relationship really work? How is one allowed to have the privilege of frugality in one aspect of the job and be so reckless with your body and ethics simultaneously at the work place? Do you think it possible, Dad?
As unintelligent as he makes himself out to be, the office runner also seems to be having a gala time with the affair. He is very careful about keeping it under wraps because his uncle owns the company they both work for AND he has a girlfriend of three years. How they both seem so fully capable of maintaining such random passion is beyond me. How does marriage turn you into a sex crazed cougar who needs her passion filled at the work place? As the pieces of the affair start to unravel before your eyes and you try as hard as you can to feign ignorance, it is after all none of your business, you cannot help but notice their reckless passion. And even as curiosity gets the better of you and you let yourself wonder if their affair will ever come out in the open, you do your best to remain neutral. There will be a day when she will come to the office, crying and you will know even without asking that something has happened. And then, it will all come pouring out.