Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out

  Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out

  By Pandora Poikilos

  Copyright 2011 by Pandora Poikilos

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  With much love & appreciation to

  Auntie Christine, Auntie Philia, Andrew G, Pixel and L Bhika

  When all the world saw a meaningless canvas, you saw a masterpiece.

  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  “My cup runneth over.” Psalms 23:5

  PROLOGUE - I’M SICK?

  November 4, 2002

  Anya glances around the room and mentally rearranges the furniture. She adds photo frames and splashes of colour to the plain walls and door frames. She stands to quickly readjust her hair in a nearby mirror when the door opens with a loud creak. A short, well-rounded man walks in. He looks as though he has been scrubbed clean and the way he walks reminds Anya of badly joined Lego bricks.

  ‘Hmmm, they sure don’t make doctors like they used to,’ she thinks as she pays more attention to the doctor who has just walked in. He doesn’t have on a white coat and is far shorter than Anya’s 5’5” medium sized frame.

  He gives her a hurried smile, motions for her to sit down and says, “It all looks pretty good. You appear to be having distorted vision because you are tired. Working too hard maybe? With a bit more rest you’ll be fine”.

  Pause.

  Very deep, long breath.

  Rewind.

  Yes, that is what could have happened but that is not at all what actually happened.

  Even as she sits down, her hands tucked under her, Anya sees the torn expression of sympathy written all over his face. His eyes appear to be speaking before his mouth even opens and Anya knows this cannot be good news.

  “You have a rare, neurological disorder,” his gentle voice somehow manages to slice through her cracked nerves. “It is known as Pseudotumor Cerebri but these days it is commonly referred to as Benign Intracranial Hypertension (BIH). It can and will present symptoms of a brain tumour but you do not physically have a tumour. Your body does not have the ability to absorb cerebrospinal fluid like others and so ... We’ll have to start treating you with diuretics, Diamox, and we will need to do a spinal tap. The vision in your right eye will improve as soon as this is done.”

  Anya is so still one would think it has become humanly possible to be alive without breathing for that long.

  “What ... what is a spinal tap?” she finally mutters, closing her eyes hoping that she will open them to find herself in bed, dreaming this very silly dream.

  “It is a procedure where we draw excessive cerebrospinal fluid, well ... from your brain through your spine. It will be fine,” he hurriedly says. “We do this often for other conditions as well.”

  The next moment moves rapidly to the next hour and to the next day to the following week with Anya barely being able to keep up. Within days, people are calling to ask her if she is dying. Her mother has once again reinstated the wall of “you are a never-ending screw up” and has hardly spoken a word of encouragement. Her friends appear to have vanished at the instant the words “I am sick” are even mouthed. Anya knows she needs to talk and she wants to talk but when she asks, nobody is “free” to come over. The one man whom she gave her heart to and who held it safe for four years has returned it to her, in pieces.

  Will she ever find love again? Will she ever be able to come to terms with a condition she never asked for and yet is now overly punished by it? Maybe, they will find a cure. Maybe, she will miraculously be cured? Just maybe, this is all not happening.

  BREATHING IN FORGIVENESS & LOVE

  November 1, 2009

  Dear Dad. I know it has been ages since we have spoken and I am so sorry that I have not taken the time to tell you about all the recent happenings in my life. As you already know, there have been loads. I know the distance between us has not helped either but this is me trying to fill you in on my life as much as I can or as much as you will want to read. I would love for the day when I can sit by your side and tell you each story, listening to what you have to say without worrying about whether what I am saying is actually getting to you or not. But we have these letters for now and we must use what we have to the best of our abilities. Here goes.

  I have come to understand that every once in a while in life we all have to do something because we must. It is not about what we want or how we would like it to be, it simply has to be done because it is necessary. Most times this will be a task that surpasses normal and not many people would choose to understand. But, done it must.

  So, here I am, counting down to my brain surgery listening to Chris Daughtry’s Tennessee Line. My thoughts are echoed in the lines, “I open my lungs to breathe in forgiveness and love, Tell me how to make right every wrong turn that I’ve learned so this can all end tonight”. I have tried turning it all around, telling myself that “it is a small surgery”, “it is just a routine procedure”, “it is not necessarily a brain surgery” but when a neurosurgeon sits down and talks about the risks and procedures of being in surgery, there is no other way of calling it, is there?

  It has been seven, very long years getting to where I am, you already know that Dad. I have made loads of mistakes, I have evaded, I have risked it all, I have met the best of people and seen the worst of characters, I have travelled and I have done more than most people my age would do. Do I have regrets? A few. There are some what-ifs and a few should-have-beens but mostly, I have given it my best in the hopes that I have gotten at least a few things right along the way. As it gets nearer to my impending surgery, I completely understand the phrase, “there’s more to life”. Life isn’t about the latest gadget from Apple or that delicious rumour that is floating around Facebook. I think it eventually comes down to five sentences that make the worst of moments in life seem so much better than what it actually looks like.

  I Love You. The best relationships in our lives are the best not because they have been the happiest ones. They are that way because they have stayed strong through the worst storms and held hands during the happiest of Springs. These are the relationships between friends who stay when the rest of the world walks out. The family who holds you close and says, “it does not matter what others say, this is something we will get through together because there are no limits to how much we love you”. And when these people say, “I Love You”, it is not because they have to, it is not because they could not order you roses from the best florist or because they need to say something to fill a void in conversation, they say it is because it is just that, Love. No conditions, no smokescreens, just pure transparent, unconditional love given when you need it the most. As the Swedish proverb goes, “Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it”.

  Everything will be alright. Nobody knows anything for sure. You of all people know that, don’t you Dad? There are no plans we can make with a 100% guarantee that things will turn out exactly as planned as yet another proverb goes, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. The riskiest of surgeries can churn out the best of results while the least uncomplicated surgeries can culminate in the most severe outcomes. But you would be surprised at the magic these four words can do. It doesn’t matter that you are worried. If you are worried about the surgery, imagine what the person going through the surgery or the doctors may be feeling. These four words work as hope for you and for the person receiving the surgery. And no, until confronted with exactly the opposite, you cannot believe
otherwise. That is what I keep telling myself. And I am even more adamant in believing that hope is not something you give up on, ever.

  I forgive you and I am sorry. Show me a perfect person and I will make you the perfect snow flake. We all love to think that we have made the best decisions and did it by the book. Truth be told, no matter how right we want to be, we all make mistakes. Period. Sometimes intentionally by our own doing and sometimes unintentionally when confronted with circumstances that life has to offer. But these are not the times to be holding on to past hurts or pointing fingers. It is purely a time for letting go, for good. This is the best time to not only set aside differences but to lock them up and throw away the key because very simply put, you may never have that chance again. Being positive is necessary, being realistic is next in line. It may not be the easiest task in the world but done it must be or you’ll know what it is like to wake up every morning with your first thought being, ‘I should have done more’.

  We will see you before. I remember telling some friends that I would make it a point to come visit after recovering from my surgery, one answered with, “There is no reason not to come before as well”. I meant it in a way that I would have something to look forward to after surgery but I also understand what she meant. Why hold off? This is not about creating a bucket-list and ticking off the most you can do before surgery or even keeping a list of things you would want to look forward to doing after surgery, it is simply doing the most you can. Lists are great as guidelines but no list can ever express the laughs you can share or those hugs that can make this big step in life a little less terrifying. Mostly, it will show you the people that mean the most to you and vice versa. While everyone cannot be physically present, geographical distance and time is nowadays what we want it to be and telephones do after all work both ways, no question about it. The only issue that remains is, how much effort will we each make?

  Wishing I can see you too before my surgery. Much love, always and always–Anya

  THE NEEDY SINGLE MOTHER

  When I was about nine, I remember being at a bank waiting for the coins in my little pink piggy to be counted. There was a lady there with two young children who was applying for a car loan. Because she was a widow and her children were well under the age of eighteen, the bank officer she was speaking with took it upon himself to turn this into the best joke he could have for the day. As harried as she looked, he made her go up and down to another office and to another branch of the same bank across the road. He did this at least five times, from what I saw. Each time she went, with her two children in tow. Each time she was seen trying hard to be patient but losing a little more hope while he joked about her with his colleagues. She seemed close to tears from the tiredness of walking up and down to the embarrassment of being repeatedly called a poor widow in public.

  I cannot remember if she finally received the loan from this particular bank but I do know that coupled with this memory and the helplessness I felt from having a rare medical condition, my heart often goes out to single mothers or any mother with children in tow. It is that little tug you have to keep you grounded when trying to treat people the way you would like to be treated. However, as I soon discovered, some people are capable of using their children as the most dangerous weapon of all. There will be the mother who tells you that her son is so sick she cannot work because she needs to care for him. She’s distraught about the medical bills that are piling up on her and the family. She will keep telling you that she cannot cope and you will help her, as much as you can with every dime you can. Until you get the receipt for the $4,000 New Year’s dress she has bought. And no, Dad, I did not add a zero. Apparently, that is how much a tailor-made, designer outfit costs these days. Stunning isn’t it?

  When you do confront her, she will tell you it is all a mistake. That with everything that has been happening how can she even think of celebrating with such an expensive dress? You will want to believe her so very much, until you find out that everyone else has been invited to her New Year’s party and you have been conveniently singled out. You take it all in, one piece of information at a time and it reaches a point where it becomes too hard to digest. Technically, you have probably paid for at least some of it, if not most of it but you are not even invited? It is easy to feel offended but in truth, you feel used. As if she sensed a weakness about you and picked you to pieces. You start having little dreams of her going to sleep, concocting more ways she can make her life better using the “my son is sick” story. Maybe she will insert a menacing evil laugh with each idea or maybe she will smile and sleep easy because she knows her problems are someone else’s burden?

  Then, there is the less elaborate looking single mother who will ask you for work. She will tell you that she is desperate for a job, divorced with two very young mouths to feed and she has very few options. She will go on to tell you not to worry about child-care because she has it all arranged. You tell her that until the business picks up you will not be able to pay her a high salary and if she is agreeable with the salary you are offering, she is more than welcome to work with you. Slowly but surely, the story starts to change. Her child-care plans start falling apart. She needs more money. She needs extra furniture. Her divorce is not quite final. Having the children is not quite legal because sole custody was awarded to the father. She needs extra money for food and transportation. There will be days when she cannot afford transport to get into work. There will also be mornings when she will be late and she’ll tell you this is because the children needed a good breakfast after not having dinner the night before. These are only some of the stories that will grow and change.

  You chip in as much as you can only to find out she has also been asking the other employees for cash, telling them one sob story or another with even more dramatic additions. There are the versions of you abusing her, overworking her and not allowing for proper meal times. She tells numerous people that her children have no daycare because of you. There is the sordid version of her ex-husband hunting her down because he is brutal not because she lost the custody hearing. There is even the version of how her children go to bed hungry even though you and numerous others have chipped in to make sure she and the small ones are given all their daily meals. Then there’s the classic tale of how she’s been robbed on salary day and needs more money. These are truly the moments when I begin to wonder, with people like these in the world, am I really the one with a brain condition?

  FRIENEMIES

  Daddy Dearest. I hope all is well where you are and your days are far better than mine. If there was ever an opportunity for you to have warned me of the future and the people I should stay away from then this is one warning I wish I could have accepted and one I wish I would have heeded. Frienemies are people who further reinforce my personal belief that maybe I’m not the one who should be receiving brain surgery. They offer radical emotions that come blended with their friendship and what they will eventually do to you. I would really like to think that we will all go through life meeting a person like this only once. Unfortunately, this breed is so rampant they will have you feeling like you slipped on a banana peel. You did not see it coming and yet there you are, embarrassed and sprawled on the floor, feeling absolutely stupid. What is a frienemy?

  These are the friends who give you absolute assurance that with friends like them, you just do not need enemies. Through chance meetings, mutual acquaintances or from sitting in their comfort zones, a frienemy will stay with you for a variety of reasons. In some situations, you are able to pick out these reasons. You will immediately know how far you should not go with this person but sometimes, and this is usually the case, you get caught up in being accepted and listened to, that you do not see the warning signs. These are people, who whether they will admit it or not, have a deep desire for some sort of validation. Be it emotional, physical, sexual or materialistic they cannot function without someone who is able to provide them with benefits in one way or another. When these benefits run out, as i
s often the case, they will sell you out in a heartbeat.

  You are only considered a friend when your benefits to and for them, outweigh the benefits they gain by putting you down. Because they were once called ‘friends’, of course at some point privacy walls were let down. They were allowed into your life and personal information might have been freely given while other bits were left unspoken or uncovered. Once they have moved on and are with their new set of ‘friends’, they will revel in spewing out every assumption they can about you. The more information they can share, gain, buy and sell, the better. Some might be exaggerated versions of the truth and others might be blatant lies but when it is all mixed up like that, do not waste your time trying to make sense of it. You know one of the infamous quotes you hear on news or gossip television shows, “a close source to the person was quoted as saying” ... well now, if you are all that close, maybe you will know that friends do not go around telling tales behind your back.

  Ah yes, let’s not forget ‘freedom of speech’. The virtual world seems to have dragged this muddy print into our lives and wedged itself between the need to quench our curiosity and our appreciation for personal privacy. In some cases, it has become a delightful defence for when you need to do something cowardly like bring someone else down, just so you can have a laugh or for the simple reason that you are that bored with nothing more productive to do. But freedom of speech does not say, “spew out what you want without bearing consequences”. After all, responsibility be damned, who needs to be liable for what they say and do? Freedom of speech comes with accountability that apparently frienemies are not intellectually competent enough to understand. A bit harsh I know but very true. Frienemies are also this special breed of people who seem to think they have every right to make someone feel small so they can feel rewarded in some way but they fail to realize two things. One,(cough, cough) they are no where close to being perfect and two, what goes around comes around. It may take awhile but somehow, it always does.